Same Same, but Different: 'These Are Not the Same People Who Raised Me' (Exclusive)

Mar. 15, 2025

Simon & Schuster; Deborah Feingold

“Long time, no see!” My dad’s voice was filled with joy and warmth for my daughters who peeked into my parents’ bedroom to see if they were awake.

“We missed you O.D. and Ren,” my dad said to my two youngest daughters Odessa, 12, and Renley 8, giving them big hugs. My eldest daughter, Emerson, also got the five-star treatment when she popped in to say hello after her track meet.

For me, it was a glance and a nod, my dad busy texting on his phone, as I hugged my mom before hauling their luggage, Styrofoam coolers and heavy cardboard boxes into the garage. “Just leave it here. I take care of it,” my dad said.

I knew I’d have time later to ask about the trip, hear about my aunts and uncles and watch dozens of videos of them with relatives, riding gondolas and kayaking in Hạ Long Bay. But as I overheard my dad saying hi to my kids, it clicked for me: These were not the same people who raised me.

The Nguyen family this past Christmas.Courtesy of Vicky Nguyen

Courtesy of Vicky Nguyen

When I was growing up, we didn’t share hugs and open affection. “I love you,” a phrase I hear them say often to all three of my daughters, is one I rarely heard as a kid. While my mom and I have always been close, it wasn’t until college that we hugged and exchanged I love you’s regularly. And even now, I can’t even think of a time my dad has said those words to me — ever! It’s a funny thing about Asian families. The love my parents have for me has always been expressed through actions more than words. It took me a long time to understand that.

They raised me to be Vietnamese first. Tough love, discipline, no talking back. Parents were the authoritarians. There were no outward displays of affection or “dialogue,” just rules and obedience.

My parents worked hard to provide the Nintendo and material goods I begged for but when it came to those American expressions of love, no luck. Far from the stereotypical Asian Tiger parents, they were pretty hands-off. They relied on me to bridge some of the gaps of adapting to life in America and figured I would forge my own path.

But I’m much more American in my approach to parenting my own daughters. I try to help them problem-solve, and I can relate to them so much more easily because we don’t have any language or cultural barriers. And I tell them I love them all the time. Sitting at the table, when they enter a room, when they clear their dishes. I talk to them about sex, drugs, online predators. No topic is taboo. I make them cringe plenty, but our communication is a two-way street. And what I expect of them feels different than what was expected of me.

Vicky Nguyen’s author photo.Deborah Feingold

Deborah Feingold

As I got older and my relationship with my parents transitioned into an adult one, I felt pressure to provide for them, which made our bond feel transactional at times. But as we plowed through our financial lows, I learned to recognize that not everything valuable can be measured in dollars. Our family has stuck together through a lot of tough times because splitting apart was never an option, even when it seemed easier.

It’s like Kintsugi, the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. Every break is unique but when you mend it, you can actually create something stronger and more resilient. When my kids arrived and my mom and dad became grandparents, I began to see them in a beautiful new way.

Weekdays, my parents live with us in what Americans call a “multigenerational household.” In many other cultures, it’s just known as “the way it is.” Families live together, grandparents help raise the grandkids and eventually, they help take care of the grandparents. Having them with us has enabled my husband and me to thrive in two busy careers because we know that our three girls are safe, well-fed and have multiple adults who love them and care for them.

My mom and dad, who raised me the same way their Vietnamese parents raised them, are fully grandparenting as Vietnamese-American. That accounts for the hugs and kisses, the “I love you’s” when the girls leave for school or practice, and the new light in which I can give my parents more grace and appreciation for how they’ve evolved and the sacrifices they’ve always made for me.

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Simon & Schuster

source: people.com